Evolution

The older I get, the less I care about a lot of things.

I remember growing up being poor and thinking it was a sign of being "not poor" by spending money unnecessarily and acting like it was no big deal.  See....that made me not be poor.  Having money to spend.

We grew up in a house that seriously needed painting.  We were the poor kids at school.  And really, we weren't poor as much as our parents didn't want to spend any money on us kids.  If it weren't for my uncles, I would never have had clothes or shoes for school.  My mom really should never had children.  I was always embarrassed, especially when it rained because our poor house really looked shabby then.

As soon as I was able, I started working.  From that point on, I paid for everything for myself.  I paid my own insurance, bought my own clothes, paid for the upkeep on my vehicle...everything.  And sometimes, I spent money that I shouldn't have trying to prove I wasn't that poor white trash girl from Amity Road.

I always fought that as an adult.  I always worried that people were looking down on me because I was poor.  I fought hard to get off of Amity Road.  But it wasn't until I had Nick that I really wrapped my head around what life really was about.  Because in reality, it wasn't about me.  It was about my son.

I went back to school.  I went to school for 11 years at night to earn my degree.  And dang...I was proud.  I bought a house.   I was making good money.  I spent a lot of money.  I built a pool in my backyard.  Remodeled my house.  I was flying high....poor white trash from Amity Road made good.

And then slowly, life intervened in my ego trip.  Some really ugly things have come down in the last few years.  I've lost my house, which in truth, is my dream house in a lot of ways.  Mostly because it was my dream.  I'm financially ruined -- I've lost a lot.

But you know what?  It's okay.  It's money.  I'll make more.

I'm healthy.  I have a good family.  I have good friends.  Not lots of them, but the people I count as friends are true friends.

My son is healthy.  And he's a damned good kid.  He isn't perfect.  But he's Nick.  He's respectful and tries to be helpful.  He has a strong moral compass.  He will be a strong young man that is a leader.

That's what life is about.  What we leave behind....not what we spend massive amounts of time earning money so we can collect things.

Today, all three kids were gone and it was just Bob and I.  I was studying for my certification test and he was farting around in the garage.  Periodically, he would come in just to kiss me.  I made him lunch and took him iced tea, and snuck a kiss.  We didn't talk much, but we didn't need to. 

Bob is trying to sort through some of the stuff in the garage and continues to work on merging our belongings.  It's absolutely amazing the amount of material items we both have.  We could probably fill a Wal-Mart corner store's shelves with stuff.  A lot of good stuff, but nevertheless its stuff.

At the end of the day, it isn't any of that stuff that makes me happy.  I miss my house, but I love living with Bob.  I miss my pool, but I love having pizza and watching a movie with my family.  I miss the status symbol of owning my own home, but I love going to bed with a man that rubs my back and tells me he loves me, even spelling it out so I understand.

Evolution.  It's a wonderous thing.