I'm pretty sure I'm developing ADD as an adult. Well, either that or I've always had weird thought but I pay more attention to them now.
Some strange things I thought today:
This morning as I passed a Starbucks: "I wonder if working at Starbucks, with all the grumpy people waiting to get coffee is a stressful job? I wonder how long I would work at Starbucks before I reach through the window and punch someone in the nose?"
This morning at work: "I wonder how much trouble I would get in I used the 'Jethro Gibbs head slap' at work? I wonder how he gets away with it at work and no one ever reports him to HR? Oh I hope NCIS is on tonight so I have new reruns to watch when I get home. In my next life, I'm going to work for NCIS. Or I'm going to be a cat. A tabby cat."
Sigh. See what I mean?
"If a transsexual woman (used to be a man) is dating a lesbian, is the lesbian really a lesbian or is the transsexual a lesbian transsexual? How is that possible?" -- hey, I saw a transsexual woman with a lesbian, which prompted that musing.
"How in the world, are these students about to finish their college education with the writing skills of a 6th grader? Did I do a horrible job instructing them or is our education system that flawed? Am I being too hard on them? Should I be grading them based on what my capabilities are or what all of their capabilities seem to be?"
"Am I really an asshole? I've heard 4 times in a week how stern I am. Am I really that bad? Or again, is it that my standards of expected behavior is so different?"
"Really? Am I really cut out to be a boss? I hate that I have to babysit grown people. Stupid people just keep pushing and pushing and then want to complain that I'm stern. Jerks."
"I wish I were at smart as Abby."
"I wish I could be a stay at home mom."
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
As Good As It Gets
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day; we were pondering the question, "Is this as good as it gets?"
My answer: I don't know. I think I'm at a stage in life where I'm wondering what it is all about. My son is almost grown. For so long, my purpose in life was him. Teaching him. Showing him. Raising him. And now? Now, he is driving and for all intents and purposes, he is independent. Granted, he relies on me for gas money until he gets a job but he makes good decisions. I'm done, except for the policing part.
So what's left? Is this when I finally get to do what I want? And wow...what is it that I want to be when I grow up? My friend is in her 50s and is still asking herself that question.
I guess it's time to get my 5 year plan paper out of my wallet and take another gander at it. And for the first time in my 40 year history, I will be making these plans with a partner. Ugh. I think in the adjustment phase of our relationship, this is what I struggle with the most. Actually having to consult someone else instead of it just being my way. It's a new thing for me.
In other less philosophical news: the newest tasing subject. AHA! Yep, I've been pretty lenient in my tasing desires. But alas, someone has earned my tasing attention. And actually what I decided for this person was that he needed to be beaten with a stupid stick. Because he just needs the stupid beaten out of him. Seriously, when you are so stupid that stupid people look at you and think, "Dude is stupid!" -- you are stupid. When I have to tell you the answer to your question no less than 8 times -- not because you didn't hear me, but because you refuse to believe the answer, you are stupid. When you insist on taking the question higher than me because again you don't believe the answer, you are stupid. And when the higher than me gives you the same answer and you continue to argue, you are stupid. I wonder if stupid knows how much of my time he wasted yesterday being stupid? Sigh. The really sad this is...he has bred. Yep, there are little stupids out there. Poor things.
My answer: I don't know. I think I'm at a stage in life where I'm wondering what it is all about. My son is almost grown. For so long, my purpose in life was him. Teaching him. Showing him. Raising him. And now? Now, he is driving and for all intents and purposes, he is independent. Granted, he relies on me for gas money until he gets a job but he makes good decisions. I'm done, except for the policing part.
So what's left? Is this when I finally get to do what I want? And wow...what is it that I want to be when I grow up? My friend is in her 50s and is still asking herself that question.
I guess it's time to get my 5 year plan paper out of my wallet and take another gander at it. And for the first time in my 40 year history, I will be making these plans with a partner. Ugh. I think in the adjustment phase of our relationship, this is what I struggle with the most. Actually having to consult someone else instead of it just being my way. It's a new thing for me.
In other less philosophical news: the newest tasing subject. AHA! Yep, I've been pretty lenient in my tasing desires. But alas, someone has earned my tasing attention. And actually what I decided for this person was that he needed to be beaten with a stupid stick. Because he just needs the stupid beaten out of him. Seriously, when you are so stupid that stupid people look at you and think, "Dude is stupid!" -- you are stupid. When I have to tell you the answer to your question no less than 8 times -- not because you didn't hear me, but because you refuse to believe the answer, you are stupid. When you insist on taking the question higher than me because again you don't believe the answer, you are stupid. And when the higher than me gives you the same answer and you continue to argue, you are stupid. I wonder if stupid knows how much of my time he wasted yesterday being stupid? Sigh. The really sad this is...he has bred. Yep, there are little stupids out there. Poor things.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Squirrel...Squirrel....Squirrel....
Things learned in the last week:
I'm easily distracted by people, thus when I'm really trying to focus I will turn on music to drown other people out. Otherwise, I'm like the dogs in "Up and Away" who when they heard the word squirrel, they go beserk.
The Shake Weight makes me giggle. Well, really it's what you look like when you are working with it. Because, yes, inside I really am 8 years old. I'm thinking of buying one and walking around the office with it just for my amusement. Hee hee hee...
It's not a good idea to sit on someone to lick their eyeballs when your son wipes boogers on you, which causes you to fall over laughing and then you fart on the person you were sitting on. It grosses them out. And then it makes you laugh harder because now you farted. And then the person whose eyeballs were getting licked is shouting, "The honeymoon is over!" which makes you laugh harder. And fart again. SIGH.
When I sit at an employee's desk and work, it's amazing the reaction I get. Everyone manages to stay on task and conduct their interviews exactly as they are supposed to do. I think I'll be sitting out in the trenches at least a couple of times a week. Maybe I can auction off private time in my office for my staff.
Bob is putting my dog on a diet. I don't like it. I equate happiness with food. It makes my dog happy to eat. This feeding him once a day and no people food is sheer torture. RJ is going to starve to death. He isn't fat. He's big furred.
And the final thing I've learned.....I love giving babies Cheetos because it makes them orange. The best part is sending them home with the orange stuff all over them. Bah ha ha ha!
I'm easily distracted by people, thus when I'm really trying to focus I will turn on music to drown other people out. Otherwise, I'm like the dogs in "Up and Away" who when they heard the word squirrel, they go beserk.
The Shake Weight makes me giggle. Well, really it's what you look like when you are working with it. Because, yes, inside I really am 8 years old. I'm thinking of buying one and walking around the office with it just for my amusement. Hee hee hee...
It's not a good idea to sit on someone to lick their eyeballs when your son wipes boogers on you, which causes you to fall over laughing and then you fart on the person you were sitting on. It grosses them out. And then it makes you laugh harder because now you farted. And then the person whose eyeballs were getting licked is shouting, "The honeymoon is over!" which makes you laugh harder. And fart again. SIGH.
When I sit at an employee's desk and work, it's amazing the reaction I get. Everyone manages to stay on task and conduct their interviews exactly as they are supposed to do. I think I'll be sitting out in the trenches at least a couple of times a week. Maybe I can auction off private time in my office for my staff.
Bob is putting my dog on a diet. I don't like it. I equate happiness with food. It makes my dog happy to eat. This feeding him once a day and no people food is sheer torture. RJ is going to starve to death. He isn't fat. He's big furred.
And the final thing I've learned.....I love giving babies Cheetos because it makes them orange. The best part is sending them home with the orange stuff all over them. Bah ha ha ha!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Big Fat Meanie
I was a big, fat meanie today. I felt it. All. Day. First of all, I didn't feel good. Second of all, I didn't feel good. Third of all...we all know I have the patience of a crack fiend waiting for the next fix. No I didn't just say I was a crack fiend...I said that I don't have a lot of spare "patience" runnin' around. When you are feeling so ugly inside that you can't stand yourself, you know it is going to be a long day. And today was one of those days.
See, I have this problem called EXPECTATIONS. I have a pretty well defined set of expectations regarding acceptable behavior, acceptable amount of initiative being put forth and let's just say an expectation of common courtesy. And I don't care how old you are or who your momma is, you darned well better be nice or you are going to bug me. And for God's sake...seriously? How hard is it to say, "Thank you."? I mean really...I say, "Thank you" regularly because I'm truly thankful. I'm thankful for the dinner that is made. I'm thankful for the QT run. I'm thankful for well just about everything. I'm pretty fed up with the entitlement of some people and lack of saying, "Hey thanks for going out of your way."
On to another channel...my aunt and uncle arrived here today from Kentucky. My uncle is sick and only has a couple of years left so I'm so very grateful to see him. And immediately, Mike and I started to fall right back into our old accent. You know the accent...the "I just left the farm" accent that took years to lose and about two sentences to gain back. Love this: "I reset that darned thing twiced already!" I'll bet I say, "Twiced" a few times tomorrow. I really miss my family in Ohio.
Tase subject of the day: I don't have one today. YIKES. The thought, "Dude needs tased" never occurred to me today. Even as mean as I was. Maybe I should have been my tase subject for being such a little snot.
See, I have this problem called EXPECTATIONS. I have a pretty well defined set of expectations regarding acceptable behavior, acceptable amount of initiative being put forth and let's just say an expectation of common courtesy. And I don't care how old you are or who your momma is, you darned well better be nice or you are going to bug me. And for God's sake...seriously? How hard is it to say, "Thank you."? I mean really...I say, "Thank you" regularly because I'm truly thankful. I'm thankful for the dinner that is made. I'm thankful for the QT run. I'm thankful for well just about everything. I'm pretty fed up with the entitlement of some people and lack of saying, "Hey thanks for going out of your way."
On to another channel...my aunt and uncle arrived here today from Kentucky. My uncle is sick and only has a couple of years left so I'm so very grateful to see him. And immediately, Mike and I started to fall right back into our old accent. You know the accent...the "I just left the farm" accent that took years to lose and about two sentences to gain back. Love this: "I reset that darned thing twiced already!" I'll bet I say, "Twiced" a few times tomorrow. I really miss my family in Ohio.
Tase subject of the day: I don't have one today. YIKES. The thought, "Dude needs tased" never occurred to me today. Even as mean as I was. Maybe I should have been my tase subject for being such a little snot.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Don't Leave your Earplugs around water
Yeah. They soak up the water that mysteriously rolls off the glass...in winter...I get that glasses "sweat" in the summer but not in the winter. But the moral of today's story is if you leave your earplugs on the nightstand and you leave your glass there sweating to the oldies, your earplus will soak up the water and you won't be able to put them in your ears without getting swimmer's ear. And you won't get any sleep. And then you will want to tase someone. See? That's how this works.
I think I'm going to blog every day about the object of my tasing desire for that day. Maybe one day, I will actually go an entire day without having the desire to tase anyone. Ehhhh...maybe in a perfect world.
Today, I had a very long conference call. And at the end of the call, during the wrap up by the ginormous, bignormous boss...two coworkers come in my office and start ranting. "I'm on a call..." "Yeah, but you have to fix this right now!" "I'm on a call, I will deal with you in a few minutes." "NO, you must do this right now." I was so angry I actually had to grit my teeth and then said, "Leave. Now. I'm trying to listen." The offending party came back to apologize and I said, "I wanted to punch you in the head. Don't ever do that again." He/she/they are tase object number 1 and 2 respectively for the day.
At my other job...the teaching job....uhhhh yeah. Last week's assignment was to do an outline for their business plan. A student just re-typed the outline I gave them as an example and turned it in. And then was all offended when I returned his paper with instructions to re-do it. TASE! And then there's the 70 year old Frenchwoman in my class that talks over me and everyone else the entire class period; interrupts everyone and argues constantly. TASE! TASE! TASE! Yeah, that one is mean because she's old but dude...she's rude!
I think I'm going to blog every day about the object of my tasing desire for that day. Maybe one day, I will actually go an entire day without having the desire to tase anyone. Ehhhh...maybe in a perfect world.
Today, I had a very long conference call. And at the end of the call, during the wrap up by the ginormous, bignormous boss...two coworkers come in my office and start ranting. "I'm on a call..." "Yeah, but you have to fix this right now!" "I'm on a call, I will deal with you in a few minutes." "NO, you must do this right now." I was so angry I actually had to grit my teeth and then said, "Leave. Now. I'm trying to listen." The offending party came back to apologize and I said, "I wanted to punch you in the head. Don't ever do that again." He/she/they are tase object number 1 and 2 respectively for the day.
At my other job...the teaching job....uhhhh yeah. Last week's assignment was to do an outline for their business plan. A student just re-typed the outline I gave them as an example and turned it in. And then was all offended when I returned his paper with instructions to re-do it. TASE! And then there's the 70 year old Frenchwoman in my class that talks over me and everyone else the entire class period; interrupts everyone and argues constantly. TASE! TASE! TASE! Yeah, that one is mean because she's old but dude...she's rude!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
I wish I could trust me with a Taser
I seriously covet a Taser. A pink one. I'll take either one that you shoot or a handheld one. They both have their benefits. Alas, I would definitely use it. And very likely get charged with assault because of said usage. But seriously, some people need Tased. Like the lady this morning at Starbucks who ordered $36 worth of coffee. In. The. Drive-Thru. Seriously? Get your fat butt out of the car and go inside. Quit cogging up the well-oil wheel of the Starbucks Drive-Thru.
I also wanted to Tase the idiot in the bathroom. On her cell phone. Uhhh...really? We don't know how to say, "Hey, let me call you back..." I mean, what if I farted while she was on the phone? That's what happens in the bathroom, you know. Usually not if someone else is in there or at least not without a courtesy flush but sometimes, one squeeks out. The poor person on the other end will hear the echo of my Starbucks fart reverberating through the bathroom. Not cool. Just not cool. It deserves a 3,000 volt jolt.
I actually find myself contemplating my Taser usage. On certain people periodically. Ahhhh....the fantasy. One day my pretty I shall tase you too....Muah ha ha ha ha.
Now that I'm 40. Sigh. Did I really just start a sentence with that phrase? Now that I'm 40. Holy Crap Batman. Ahem.
Now that I'm 40, I'm finding myself more and more inclined to just say things. Not that I was ever really inclined to not speak my mind but I actually told a student yesterday to pull up his pants; that I didn't want to see his underwear any more than he wanted to see mine; and if he didn't pull up his pants NOW I was pulling mine down. Uhhh...I really should have been nicer as I'm in management. And I'm a Director. But the dude had his pants down with no shorts on underneath. Really? I don't get the whole concept but at least put shorts un underneath. He was showing his Hanes. And Michael Jordan he wasn't. The kid looked at me like I was a complete loon and stuttered, "No Ma'am...please don't." That's What I Thought, PUNK.
I also wanted to Tase the idiot in the bathroom. On her cell phone. Uhhh...really? We don't know how to say, "Hey, let me call you back..." I mean, what if I farted while she was on the phone? That's what happens in the bathroom, you know. Usually not if someone else is in there or at least not without a courtesy flush but sometimes, one squeeks out. The poor person on the other end will hear the echo of my Starbucks fart reverberating through the bathroom. Not cool. Just not cool. It deserves a 3,000 volt jolt.
I actually find myself contemplating my Taser usage. On certain people periodically. Ahhhh....the fantasy. One day my pretty I shall tase you too....Muah ha ha ha ha.
Now that I'm 40. Sigh. Did I really just start a sentence with that phrase? Now that I'm 40. Holy Crap Batman. Ahem.
Now that I'm 40, I'm finding myself more and more inclined to just say things. Not that I was ever really inclined to not speak my mind but I actually told a student yesterday to pull up his pants; that I didn't want to see his underwear any more than he wanted to see mine; and if he didn't pull up his pants NOW I was pulling mine down. Uhhh...I really should have been nicer as I'm in management. And I'm a Director. But the dude had his pants down with no shorts on underneath. Really? I don't get the whole concept but at least put shorts un underneath. He was showing his Hanes. And Michael Jordan he wasn't. The kid looked at me like I was a complete loon and stuttered, "No Ma'am...please don't." That's What I Thought, PUNK.
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