Evolution

The older I get, the less I care about a lot of things.

I remember growing up being poor and thinking it was a sign of being "not poor" by spending money unnecessarily and acting like it was no big deal.  See....that made me not be poor.  Having money to spend.

We grew up in a house that seriously needed painting.  We were the poor kids at school.  And really, we weren't poor as much as our parents didn't want to spend any money on us kids.  If it weren't for my uncles, I would never have had clothes or shoes for school.  My mom really should never had children.  I was always embarrassed, especially when it rained because our poor house really looked shabby then.

As soon as I was able, I started working.  From that point on, I paid for everything for myself.  I paid my own insurance, bought my own clothes, paid for the upkeep on my vehicle...everything.  And sometimes, I spent money that I shouldn't have trying to prove I wasn't that poor white trash girl from Amity Road.

I always fought that as an adult.  I always worried that people were looking down on me because I was poor.  I fought hard to get off of Amity Road.  But it wasn't until I had Nick that I really wrapped my head around what life really was about.  Because in reality, it wasn't about me.  It was about my son.

I went back to school.  I went to school for 11 years at night to earn my degree.  And dang...I was proud.  I bought a house.   I was making good money.  I spent a lot of money.  I built a pool in my backyard.  Remodeled my house.  I was flying high....poor white trash from Amity Road made good.

And then slowly, life intervened in my ego trip.  Some really ugly things have come down in the last few years.  I've lost my house, which in truth, is my dream house in a lot of ways.  Mostly because it was my dream.  I'm financially ruined -- I've lost a lot.

But you know what?  It's okay.  It's money.  I'll make more.

I'm healthy.  I have a good family.  I have good friends.  Not lots of them, but the people I count as friends are true friends.

My son is healthy.  And he's a damned good kid.  He isn't perfect.  But he's Nick.  He's respectful and tries to be helpful.  He has a strong moral compass.  He will be a strong young man that is a leader.

That's what life is about.  What we leave behind....not what we spend massive amounts of time earning money so we can collect things.

Today, all three kids were gone and it was just Bob and I.  I was studying for my certification test and he was farting around in the garage.  Periodically, he would come in just to kiss me.  I made him lunch and took him iced tea, and snuck a kiss.  We didn't talk much, but we didn't need to. 

Bob is trying to sort through some of the stuff in the garage and continues to work on merging our belongings.  It's absolutely amazing the amount of material items we both have.  We could probably fill a Wal-Mart corner store's shelves with stuff.  A lot of good stuff, but nevertheless its stuff.

At the end of the day, it isn't any of that stuff that makes me happy.  I miss my house, but I love living with Bob.  I miss my pool, but I love having pizza and watching a movie with my family.  I miss the status symbol of owning my own home, but I love going to bed with a man that rubs my back and tells me he loves me, even spelling it out so I understand.

Evolution.  It's a wonderous thing.

Stress, overload and remedies

I'm seriously considering going on a "household items" spending freeze until we use everything here.  Today when I looked above the washer/dryer I saw:

1 giant bottle of dishsoap (the brother of the one under the sink
1 giant bottle of Lysol all purpose cleaner (the sister of the one under the sink)
2 giant bottles of fabric softener
2 giant bottles of Tide
3 boxes of Swiffers

And then I pulled the drawers out from under the washer and dryer.  Both giant drawers are full.

See the trend?  Shopping at Costco = GIANT everything.  Everywhere.

I'm actually the one that buys such GIANT things because I hate running out of stuff.

However, today I'm feeling overwhelmed with it.  Probably because the last of my belongings have been moved and the garage is incredibly full..  Which leads me to feeling overwhelmed.  With stuff.j

Bob begs me to quit buying food and supplies constantly.  The large amount of stuff is driving him nuts as well.

My desk at work is starting to remind me of our garage.  Ickiness.

Moving on...

We are only going to counseling once a month now.  I think we are in a good place.  There are still days that I get frustrated but for the most part we are able to talk things through.  Truly, the biggest problem of late seems to be lack of time.  On Monday, I got home at 6:30ish.  Tuesday it was 7:30ish.  Wednesday 10ish and Thursday 10:30ish.  Well...that means Bob is in bed.  And we don't usually talk during the day.  On Wednesdays we usually talk on my way to teach my class. 

The kids seem to have adjusted to their routine and all seems amazingly normal.

Huh?

Two women I went to high school with have lost their husbands this year.  That makes me very sad.  And makes me want to take better care of my health. Another woman I went to high school with is dying of cancer.  She has 7 kids.  

It really actually scares the eebie jeebies out of me.  I suppose as we continue to age, it's going to happen.

It's 11:41 p.m.  I'm wide awake.  I've been taking blood pressure medicine that seemed to be helping me get to sleep.  No luck tonight.  I think I'm brain just won't turn off. 

Friday, we met with the high school guidance counselor and the elementary school staff for Sabrina's IEP.  Gulp.  Public education is scary.  And it truly is no wonder so many kids in Arizona are getting through the school system completely uneducated.  The assistant principal was there and my impression of her was that she was a complete moron -- and an unprepared moron at that.  Sabrina's teacher left a lot to be desired.  Luckily, and unluckily for me, I'm very accustomed to having very hard conversations with people because of my job.  I let her be stupid for a little while and then I very nicely made her feel like an ass.  It's a gift.

I can't believe in a few days my son will be a junior in high school.  Holy canoli...where has the time gone?  Seems like yesterday I was singing Lion King songs to him and dancing around in the livingroom.  Or he was putting band-aids on all of his fingers and was roaring at everyone.  The kid didn't talk but boy could he roar at everyone.  I think he really thought he was Lion King.

This last weekend, Bob took the kids camping along with my dad and my brother.  Some other friends went as well.  I stayed home for a quiet, chore filled weekend.  It's great that they can all go and get along.  They really seem to enjoy each other's company.  And it's great experience for Nick and Sabrina both.  Sabrina was the only girl that went but she loved every minute of it.

Speaking of Sabrina...can someone explain to me the snotty teenaged girl attitude?  The last two days, she has been a little snot box.  If this is how things are going to be for a few years, I definitely need to pray for some more patience.  My son learned very quickly to not throw attitude with me.  I don't know that I know how to handle the girl snotty routine.  I'm going to have to be very creative with discipline.

That didn't take long

Our marriage counselor told us tonight that we probably didn't need to come back for a month or so.

Go figure.  Three sessions and we are fixed.

Well, we aren't fixed but we are sure a lot better.

I asked Bob tonight what he learned.  His response?  "I learned I'm always right and you are always wrong."  Dude.

But that's sort of the way it has gone.  Not completely but the counselor made it very clear that sometimes my expectations aren't necessarily fair.

I do a good job of being my own advocate and confronting issues head on.  But my expectation that Bob would speak up on my behalf when people are not being pleasant to me, isn't necessarily fair.  Bob is responsive when I bring it up but I do have to bring it up.  She said this is fair.  It would be disrespectful if he wasn't reponsive to my request.  So....okay.  It's that "Can't read your mind thing."

All in all, I learned we do more right than wrong.

We communicate well (now).  We show each other a lot of consideration and respect.  We have a high level of trust. 

I've learned to back up and let him process.  He's slower than I am. 

I've learned to wait for him and not jump in when he pauses.

I've learned that we process things very differently and that's okay. 

He's learned to talk.  Seriously.  He did.  He is talking more and more.  Speaking to the counselor about some things seems to have broken something loose in him. 

He's learned that he loves the stability that I bring to his life.  He loves my family.  He loves that we are able to talk things through.

And today, when we finished up...laughing at each other, it made me love him even more.

For a man that refused to go to counseling, that counseling was a joke, he really stepped up and participated fully.

What I've learned from couple's counseling so far:

We do more right than we do wrong.  I suppose that's a plus.

Marriage even a pseudo-marriage requires an awful lot of work.

Marriage, even a pseudo-marriage is nothing like anything you or I have ever read in a romance novel.  The day to day is just not fantastic.

As the counselor was asking what our normal routine was, we both finally looked at each other and smirked.  Yep, we are very boring.  Work, home, dinner, bed.  Rinse.  Repeat.

I've personally learned that I must back off.  I know, it's a shock....I have to let Bob find his way at his speed.  Conversely, he needs to learn to step up.  It isn't my responsibility to do all of the parenting.

We have one major sticking point that we must continue to work through but I anticipate that we won't need to keep going to counseling for very much longer.  I figure a few more weeks and then probably some check ups every now and again.

Our sticking point is being addressed, I hope.  That sticking point is larger than both of us combined I'm afraid and requires further outside help.  But the boundaries are being set by us with clear consequences also be set forth.  You can't make someone want to be a part of a larger entity.  But we can do our best that they don't destroy the larger entity.

I'm fairly certain.....

That every morning, I would happily use a taser to zap the people at QT that are obviously too stupid to get a freaking drink.  And to the lady from this morning that was talking on her cell phone (in Spanish) while her little boy tortured the rest of us, and blocked access to the machine....yeah, you are an idiot.  And your kid is ugly.

That if I looked like Angelina Jolie with my brains I would be hot and smart but probably not in any different place.

That snipey, petty people irritate the hell of me and make me dream walls/foreheads/and the two meeting.

That there are definitely days that I feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  And I just want to run and hide in New Zealand.

That parents that don't take care of their children need to be punched.  Hard.  Seriously hard.  Grow up.  Be an adult and be responsible.

That if I have one more student be a pain in my butt this week I'll....well it is inevitable that a student will be a pain in my butt this week; name of the game.

Oh Major Foul

Again, I've written several posts and haven't posted them. 

I promise myself that I shall finish this one in its entirety prior to going to bed.

Nevermind that it is 12:15 a.m. on Saturday and I have to be at work at 9 a.m.  I was dog tired at 9 p.m. tonight and of course now I have a 2nd wind and can't sleep. 

I've updated Facebook.  Graded some papers.  Watched NCIS.  Went to Wal Mart.

Dude...at Wal Mart I committed a major foul.  My sister and I were checking out, she was in front of me.   We had an incredibly long wait, by the way, because someone two people in front of us was using WIC and the cashier didn't know how to use the coupons.  So after waiting quite some time, we moved lines.  I digress....so our items are at the front of the line when I notice there is a two teenagers in front of us, one a boy and one a girl.  So I, thinking I'm being ever polite, say, "Don't start ringing up the stuff on the belt.  He has something in his hand."  The cashier looks, holds out his hand to receive said package.  The large box of condoms to which I have drawn everyone's attention.  We all know my voice carries.  A lot. 

Poor kids.  DOH!!

I was on vacation last week.  My first vacation in quite some time.  I loved every minute of it.  I didn't get squat done but I did get to spend some time with some people I have missed.  I had a different lunch date every day of the week.

We took Sabrina to the Melmed Center in Scottsdale to receive a final diagnosis.  She was diagnosed as being "High Functioning Aspergers."  What this means for us is WHEW!  Seriously.  Now we know.  She isn't deliberately being difficult.  She isn't deliberately different.  She is just Sabrina.  And now we know how to get her some help so that she can function in society.  She will be in a transitional class to go into high school which should help ease her into mainstream high school. 

It will require a lot of time, attention and money but it will be of great benefit to her in the long run. 

I'm still struggling quite a lot with Bob's family, Vickey's family and friends.  I've tried to have conversations with the different parties, only to find out that as usual, I said too much in my attempt to forge a connection.   I didn't say anything out of line, but I apparently gave the interested parties too much ammunition and it appears two of the women (MEOW!) were only befriending me so they could talk about me. 

1.  Uhhh if you are still talking about me, me and Bob...18 months later, odds are you need to find a hobby.
2.  Uhhh if you are still talking about me, me and Bob...18 months later, odds are you really need to get the hell over it and move on.

I mean seriously?  At some point, grow up and let go.

I had a long conversation with Bob's sister while on vacation.  I left feeling like it was a good conversation and we made a connection.  I guess we shall see how it plays out.

I am certain that I'm done trying.  I'm doing the best I can and I'm really done worrying and trying.

I also know that tonight as I was loading the pictures from Bob's siter's wedding, and I was editing a picture of Bob....an overwhelming feeling started to well up in my chest. The love I have for the man is strong.  And as I sit here looking at him while he's snoring, and I brush his hair from his forehead, tears well up in my eyes because I just adore him. 

And sometimes I cry because I just don't know if we will make it.  There are so many obstacles.  And most days, it just feels like its too much.  Somedays, I get frustrated beyond belief over his passiveness, his unwillingness to deal with things, our different parenting styles, our different styles of dealing with just about anything....I could go on.

Since I promised a post and it is now 1 a.m., I'm going to bed.  More next time.